This is not: Trauma

Oh wahoo.

2005-11-23T16:05:00.000Z

It appears to be parent's evening. How exciting. Hmm, now people are taking it upon themselves to move the tables into a silly formation. Kyo is hungry.

Drink Names

2005-05-02T22:18:00.000Z

The five best soft drink names of all time, with 1 being the best:

Dr Pepper
Irn-Bru
Tizer
Vimto
D&B

Dr Pepper is iternally cool, as is Irn-Bru which apparently makes you as hard as girders if you drink it, Tizer looks good, although it is relatively new, Vimto has always been unique, and even though D&B is just a souped up way of saying good old Dandelion and Burdock, It's acceptable.

And now, the five worst (1 being the worst):

Snogg
Rubicon
Sprite
Tango
Pepsi Max

I mean which big drinks boss in their right mind would name a drink 'Snogg'? Perhaps one which is niether big nor the boss methinks. Isn't 'Rubicon' something to do with some Roman Emporer trying to cross a river? And whoever thought of naming a soft drink after a scary fairy thing must be insane, Tango really speaks for itself, and maybe I'm just biased against Pepsi Max because it tastes like melted cheap ice lollies. Oh well.

Burrell thinks he is now part of the psychology class

2005-04-29T01:16:00.000Z

Yes. It's true. He does. Whether this is a good thing or not remains to be seen. Awww Shinya was sweet today.

Rong ruen poo chai

2005-04-28T00:40:00.000Z

Burrell walked into a Ballard nuts-first yesterday. Belly laughs all round.
However, not so funny was the fact that Sarah woke me this morning at 8.44 saying 'oh I'll have to go or I'll be really late.' So off she went and I got up not long after and got ready to leave so we could get the 11 o clock train. Burrell, on the other hand, had his own ideas. He was still half-asleep as I was getting on my coat and heading for the door. I was literally stepping outside as he ran from the kitchen after splashing himself with water to wash away his tiredness. Dear oh dear. It WILL NOT be like this tomorrow morning. He must get up at least ten minutes before we leave.
After that little gripe, I'll discuss the rest of today, not that there is much to discuss in all honesty. Burrell forgot his wallet and so I had to pay him on the train - which reminds me he owes me some money now - and we went in and did pretty much bugger all for the entire day. Marvelous.

Monday

2005-04-25T14:06:00.000Z

Hmm. Funny day today, kind of nice but not that great. No Shinya for one thing, resulting in more pent up tension, sexual and otherwise, and a rather irritating cough.
Spent the afternoon (post psychology test set by Fiona) in the park sunbathing, photographing and debating whether pigeons socialise or not. All riveting as I'm sure you will agree.
I've also just noticed a series of posters outside saying in simplified terms 'don't get SARS.' A bit like saying 'don't get 'flu'. Insane, but oh so relevant.
Nothing else to report today really. Forgot my pass this morning, but luckily the guard didn't come round for the tickets so I got a free journey anyway. I might go hide in the toilets tonight to avoid paying again, although I have to go to Smiths for some fags and If we dont hurry to the station we'll miss the train and on the later train they ALWAYS check the toilets. Poo. Ah well.
I'm attempting to make another quiz at the moment but I'm getting rather ambitious and doing a 'what's your dream theme?' one which takes time and research. I'd better get on with it then.

Good weather, good pot, snotty nose.

2005-04-22T10:04:00.000Z

Something doesn't quite add up here. It's warm and sunny outside and yet I'm suffering with flu. Chances are that if I were in perfect health it would be pissing it down with rain. We can't have it all.
Burrell has skipped off to his tap-dancing lesson and I'm in the library contemplating going outside for a fag and a coffee. Will I, wont I? I will in a while. Right now I'm too caught up in watching the library staff battling with computers and the blinds swaying gently in the breeze.

Wednesday again

2005-04-20T13:45:00.000Z

So, wednesday has come round again. For once, without too much calamity. No problems this morning with the train, especially after yesterday's little episode of me getting thrown off for arguing. No Burrell, but then again I don't expect much else these days. I received an email sent from his account last night, it looked genuine, but then again I don't know. Said he'd been ill. Yea, ill in Grimsby more like. Fiona phoned his mother last night and his mother told her that he was with his girlfriend. Surprise surprise.
He tries to make his lies alright with more lies, constantly reassuring you that he is telling the truth, and you want to believe him, but somewhere deep down you hold firm reservations about it all.

Burrell, for the love of God, where are you?

2005-04-16T20:59:00.000Z

This is getting serious now Burrell. I'm starting to feel like one of those distraught parents appealing for any news on the whereabouts of their missing child on the evening news. Your phone is switched off, you wont answer my emails and you're not at college. All I want to know is where you are and that you are okay. If you came home tomorrow I wouldn't shout. Yes I'm mad at you for doing this, by God am I mad, but I wouldn't be angry with you, so if that's the reason you're staying away then fear not. JUST FUCKING PHONE ME OR SOMETHING PLEASE! XxX

Day Off - Wednesday - Song Kran Day

2005-04-13T15:22:00.000Z

Despite the fact that today is my day off and I'm meant to spend it being constructive, I still find myself in bed at 2.30pm, with my only excuse being 'I wanted to avoid watching Neighbours'. It must have done me some good though, I obviously needed the extra sleep---just stop a second...why do I sound like the irritating narrator of a woman's magazine? Dreadful.
Anyways, having time to think today has got me down. This thing with Burrell has pissed me off so much now that I'm even dreaming about stressing at him (I also dreamt last night about going round beating people up, but that's another issue.) I went to the trouble of writing him an email earlier, probably pointless but there's always a small chance it will knock some sense into him.

People who read Bill Bryson and eat tic tacs

2005-04-10T01:48:00.000Z

Yes. As you can probably tell by the title this post ventures into the realms of moaning.
On the way to town this afternoon Sarah asked me 'what are Bill Bryson's books for?' I neglected to answer her for a few seconds as I watched the couple sat opposite enable me to tick every box on my mental checklist for the 'young trendeees'. Let's take a few minutes to look at this new type of lower middle class Brit emerging from the leafy, costly-car laden suburbs. Firstly, they tend to come in one of two forms; those with an excuse to be arrogant, and those who don't even know what arrogant means. The latter of course being the most irritating as they chirp amongst themselves about feng shui and Starbuck's Coffee, their secretarial work or 'my partner'.
My main hang up over this new breed of train-traveling intellectual is their oh so slight essence of snobbery. It's covert and discreet, but nevertheless manages to rear its ugly head when appropriate (or inappropriate as the case may be.) It always tends to be more prevalent in couples, where they will discuss at length scientific research carried out in the Alaskan Tundra, but the second at which their in-depth conversation is disturbed by the sound of a rowdy gang of football hooligans, they will smile and pass around the tic tacs as a way of distracting themselves from the social 'issues' at large.
They may appear on the surface educated and well-read (although their preference for Bill Bryson challenges this somewhat) but the way in which they deny all existence of 'real-life' problems in favour of their indeed intellectual, if not a little dull life, pushes them headlong onto the pile labeled 'IGNORANT'.
And so, as I reassessed the deeper psychological meanings behind Sarah's question, I was able to answer most honestly, "not much."

How to get a seat on a train

2005-04-08T14:03:00.000Z

I was sat on the train (oh the irony) this morning reading an article about some guy who has written a book on 'how to get a seat on commuter trains'. Deciding that I had traveled on enough of the said form of transport, I thought I'd have a bash myself. So, here we go.

If you want to know whether or not that annoyingly large group of people are planning on getting on the same train as you there are ways of going about it. Say loudly enough to be heard, but obviously meaning to yourself 'Where is the ___ train?'. If any of them are waiting for the same train, they will more often than not either make eye contact (It tends to be women who do this more often to other women) or, if they are plucky enough, may even start a conversation (eek.)
This may sound simple, but the key to getting on ahead of these people is good forward planning. Take note of where previous trains have stopped on the platform and wait there. Do not, under any circumstances wait with the crowd of people. The more dominant members of the crowd will have (unconsciously) demonstrated their authority, and the rest of the group who follow behind those with more power will slow you down as you scramble for a seat.
So, the previous tip didn't work because despite being the first on, you discover that the train is packed anyway. A good way to deal with this is to simply ask someone to give up their seat. This may seem rude, but along with your 'involuntary' twitching, mad stare and perhaps blood-stained lab coat, you will find them only too willing to oblige.
Oh dear. You find that everyone else on the train more resemble the mad scientist themselves and you have to wait for a seat. Not all lost, and this is really down to skills of observation. People preparing themselves to move at the next station display 'fidgety' behaviors. They may un-cross their legs, straighten their coat or move their bag to an upright position on their lap. If they are reading, look for the signs that they want to finish a page or chapter. Rapidly moving eyes, holding the book in two hands instead of one and fiddling for a bookmark are all signs that they are going to move. Watch out for these signals and move in for the kill.
Groups of friends on trains are often difficult to deal with, and are more protective of their 'territory' on the train than singular commuters. Avoid asking group members for their seats, and if the only free seat is amongst a group, stand every time.
Finally, these are only guidelines. Although they work every time for me, they may not for you. I will not be held responsible for anyone who gets beaten up, electrocuted or murdered as a result of a train carriage brawl.

Deeper meanings

2005-04-07T12:06:00.000Z

Something has just occurred to me after reading about serial killers today (for my own pleasure of course) that maybe my 'obsession' with lighting fires is just the start of it. There is apparently a 'triad' of warning signals that if spotted in a young person may make them more likely to become serial killers as adults. The triad is as follows;

1. Obsession with lighting fires - 'pyromania'

2. Torturing animals

3. Bed-wetting into adolescence

Luckily I only currently display one of these characteristics so perhaps I'm safe. I'd advise you to lock your doors and sleep next to a crowbar all the same.

Going home soon.

2005-04-06T15:08:00.000Z

It's official now, I don't like Wednesdays very much. They seem to be filled with irritation and problems. Then again, I could have said that about Monday, after all that went on - I left my phone on the train like the complete twat I am - but there is just an atmosphere today that makes me on edge. Maybe it's the weather, it's rained practically all day today so far.
Oh well. I've just been shopping so now I have something to eat for tea at nana's house.
I'm also going to give Burrell a roasting when I get back, he didn't surface after all. It's not just him letting me down which annoys me, it's also the fact that he obviously hasn't been in his lessons this morning. Yesterday he spoke to his tutor about wanting to quit, and she talked him into completing the rest of this year in order to get his certificate. He wont, however, get the certificate if he does not attend class, and then he moans to me when she shouts at him for not being there. The thing is with him is that when I do things such as refusing to lend him pens when he comes unprepared for lessons, he looks at me like I'm being mean. I'm not being mean at all, I'm dealing with the situation with his best interests in mind. He cannot go through life expecting other people to look after is own interests. If he forgets his pens and paper (or brain) then he must deal with those consequences and learn from them. As a friend I want the best for him and want him to get as much as he possibly can out of his education. The sooner he realizes that he is often his own worse enemy the better.

I thought it was all too good to be true

2005-04-06T11:43:00.000Z

I'm fucked off with Burrell again. Once again it's dinner and once again I'm left waiting for him in the library. I just can't cope with it anymore, and I honestly don't know why the hell I bothered coming in today, it seems that I would have felt better if I had just stayed in bed.
He told me he would phone me last night and he never did. Probably because he's wasted all his credit on phoning that stupid bitch. Or texting my mother. Either that or he's fallen off the face of the earth, which I have noticed he seems pretty good at doing when it suits him. Hopefully he will read this sometime soon and see the error of his ways. As for now, I'm going to get some work together and go work upstairs. It's chilly here.

A groovy day filled with love

2005-04-03T01:49:00.000Z

I'm in one of those CBA moods today, so instead of typing out the day's events as a brilliant piece of literature I shall simply do a sort of 'diary' thing. Sorry, but I'm mashed tonight as it is!

11.00am - Got out of bed reluctantly because Sarah had arrived and we needed to get the 12noon train.

12.02pm - Train arrives. We pile on, but the bloody thing is packed and we resemble cattle in a cattle truck. On the other hand, we don't have to pay for the journey.

12.32pm - Train pulls into station and we make our way to Piccadilly Gardens. I lie on the grass for a while singing Leonard Cohen songs as Sarah uses my legs as a seat. I get fag ash in my eye.

1.12pm - We go into a clothes store and I look silly trying on hats. We do other things around town such as eating in the foodcourt and going shopping in Win Yip.

3.21pm - We get on the bus to go to the woods. Sarah is all in a fluster over the price of bus tickets, but is pleased when she manages to get on for 50p. Burrell sits at the back of the bus behind Sarah and me.

3.57pm - We get off the bus at the cemetery. It's all sunny and warm and I feel good.

3.59pm - I remove my shoes and socks and tie my shoes (with the socks stuffed inside the shoes) to a stick and carry it over my shoulder 'Peter Rabbit' style. I walk through the cemetery bare foot and feel proud of myself for doing so.

4.11pm - We get to the woods. Sarah ponders over fire-lighting whilst Burrell and I go and get wood.

4.17pm - The fire is alight and hot. We all suddenly decide that we need to wee, so Burrell goes first whilst we look over the fire and then Sarah and I go to the 'toilet'.

4.18pm - Sarah worries over her body being 'abnormal'. I look and tell her it's not and she's fine.

4.20pm - Burrell makes unnecessary comments about what me and Sarah were 'doing'. We all take our places around the fire and relax for a while.

5.04pm - We begin to tire of just 'chilling' and decide to play 'truth or dare'. No one ever chooses truth so we just keep doing dares, which included the following;

Me daring Sarah to pull her top up
Sarah daring me the same
Me and Sarah being dared by Burrell to kiss (several times)
Nipple licking (don't ask)
Burrell doing 'piggy' (again, don't ask)
The incident with the stone
Me and Sarah having a tongue war (which I won)
Me and Sarah having a tit wrestle (which I won)
Me pulling my top up, running round the fire shouting 'lalalala' then hugging Burrell
Me and Sarah steaing Burrell's chocolate egg

7.22pm - Time for photos. We take loads then make our way out of the woods onto the fiels for a few more pics before we head off home.

7.40pm - I find a rabbit's spine in the grass. Group amazed.

7.52pm - We walk to the bus stop, but I realise Burrell left my lighter in the woods and tell him to go and get it.

7.58pm - Sat at the bus stop, but no bus. We all go very silly. I say to a man with a dog 'groovy dog, man!' and to a kid on a bike 'groovy bike, man!' Group amused.

8.05pm - Bus arrives.

8.18pm - Get into town and go to get the train.

8.19pm - I try to get everyone to break the rules by telling them all to duck under the toilet barrier to avoid paying.

8.40pm - Train leaves. We're on it.

8.45pm - Ticket man comes round but his machine breaks so we get another free ride home.

So, there you have it, and I'll think you will agree, a very enjoyable day indeed.

Benzodiazepines and alcohol (part 2)

2005-04-01T02:09:00.000Z

And lala we go into the world of bumbling buses and trees that say 'babum' when you look at them. The sky turns pink and all fluffy like marshmallows dipped in cinnamon paste. If only more days lingered on in this way, fighting for your place in the subway toilet and running down neverending train platforms with the number 'germo' displayed on the screen. We find solitude in this world like forty five years have been and gone and the only remnants we have are our psychedelic memories of the not so distant future, waiting for us at the end of our journey. Like moths to the flame we fall into our fate, and like a bird on the wire we try, in our own way, to be free.

Death to coffee shop intellectuals

2005-04-01T01:53:00.000Z

A bizarrely interesting day today. Didn't start until 1 though, the effects of staying up late and typing stories and not coursework is taking its toll. But, holidays don't come around too often and one might as well make the most of them whilst one has the opportunity.

I had to practically drag Burrell out this morning - of both sleep and the front door - and we only just managed to get the train by the skin of our teeth. However, we do like to stay living on the edge, and I mean the edge as a few hours later we ended up trapsing around the river's edge apparently looking for 'somewhere to jump up'. No, don't ask, and believe me, things got alot worse. We stumbled into a kind of wood thing where someone had obviously had a fire. Me being the silly deprived child I am decided that we should light a fire of our own, and so we did. A very good one it was too. Burrell collecetd all the twigs and grass (not that type) and I used my lighter to create combustion. Yeah, yeah I know, normal childhood pastime lighting fires in the woods - but is having to wipe some nondescript black oily substance off your hands onto your underwear normal? Hmm, methinks perhaps a stray into the abnormal on that one...maybe even socially unnaceptable...wow now don't I feel privaliged? It's almost as gratifying as being called 'unethical'. I said ALMOST.

I know what you're doing here

2005-03-29T03:46:00.000Z

Yoshi wants to know if I have the PotNoodle Horn. No I don't, not just yet Yosh Yosh. I think I'm too stressed at the moment. What with all this decorating and coursework screaming down my ear every second of the day, it's hard to get even a second's peace. Fiona said to me in the station 'oh just chill, yeah'. Fat chance of that happening, and so I told her too. Either she thinks I've done alot more of this coursework than I have or it was a play on the fact that I sent Shinya a text saying 'just chill over the weekend' a few days before that, just to show that they talked about it. Personally I think the former is more probable, but oh isn't the latter just so exciting?
Had little Tetsu round to stay last night, and my oh my did we have some fun. It's amazing what having a sex-mad, les-curious best friend can do for your libido, isn't it?

Benzodiazepines and alcohol (part 1)

2005-03-29T02:15:00.000Z

Why the FUCK can't I take my BZs when I've been drinking man? Come on, It's not going to fucking kill me is it? FACE THE TITS MAN!

Sorry needed to get that out of my system before bed.

Blog from the house of Kyo

2005-03-27T00:18:00.000Z

I'm at Kyo's house now watching cute Japanese guys do inline skating. Drinking Red Square because Kyo is now legal to buy alcohol. Wahoo. Burrell was naughty tonight.

Unsettled

2005-03-23T21:25:00.000Z

Don't you just hate it when you feel okay about yourself and then you walk past some shiny shop window where you can see your reflection and everything comes crashing down around you? Well, in a nutshell, that's how I'm feeling right now, only the shiny shop window is a camcorder recording of me looking and being a complete twat. I really do dislike myself at the moment. I always knew that having a two-week holiday would be hard, but I was determined not to let it get to me like it has done previously. So far has been alright but today has been a bit strange, perhaps it's my hormones or something.
The thing I don't like about holidays is that they increase my immense fear of having nothing to do. I dread falling back into the same rut like I was when I was suffering from depression of not getting out of bed because frankly there was nothing to get out of bed for, I would only mope around, not even get dressed or wash then end up in bed and start it all over again. I am so terrified of becoming depressed again that the fear itself starts to get me down, and I start comparing situations to test for my level of depression, like 'well this time a few months ago I couldn't even.... but having said that I could do more than that yesterday' and so on and so forth. Basically beating myself up psychologically.
I feel at the moment a bit detached from others around me, as if I can't tell them my feelings or perhaps that they wont listen. Either way it cannot carry on or I am in grave danger of falling into the same downward spiral.

Ten ways in which Burrell has annoyed me today

2005-03-22T02:04:00.000Z

Being sleepy and dopey all the time.
Wanting to buy milkshake in Londis.
Singing along to songs when he has never heard them before - namely Leonard Cohen's 'Suzanne'.
Making the incessantly irritating heartbeat noise.
Mothering me over my hair change decision.
Thinking the girl who plays Katie Harris in Coronation Street is a good actress.
Saying The Streets have 'no talent' because they don't play their instruments (they do) the lyrics aren't clever enough (oh so go write them yourself Shakespeare) can't sing because they speak (well duhh it's not meant to be singing) and are 'no good' cmpared with older artists that he apparently listens to (they won 'best newcomer award' at The Brits, and let's here him name some of these (oh no not the Vickie argument all over again.)

GRRRR I DON'T THINK I CAN CARRY ON I'M TOO FUCKING STRESSED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

The first time we met you had just been making sex noises on a trampolene...

2005-03-21T23:49:00.000Z

Mandatory late starting day today - didn't get up until about 1. Intended to get the train at 2 but missed that so had to wait for the train at 3. Bollocks.
When we (that's me and Burrell who has driven me to the point of utter desperation today) finally arrived in town it was all kind of jaded and frantic like everyone only had seconds to live. Or shop. Had a brilliant creme egg mcflurry, although it wasn't the best I've tasted, and Burrell had to settle for fanta as there was no milkshake left.
*Haz thinks I'm stalking Joanie*
Discovered that Kyo was in town too, but we never had the opportunity to meet as we missed each other constantly. Had some fun on a skateboard in tk maxx though, and saw something simply pant-wettingly sexy on a trampolene - the cutest girl ever bouncing around moaning like she was paralysed in orgasm. I just HAD to stop and watch, much to the dissaproval of Burrell who said she 'looked like a baby'. She was at least 21.

Viridian City

2005-03-20T01:22:00.000Z

Been lovely weather today, the sun's been out and it was hot enough for me to go out in a t-shirt and still feel all flustered in the heat. What a wonderful day. I went out with Burrell and Sarah to town on the train, free ride there and only one pound twenty five (yes I'm writing that in full like a twat because I can't find the pound sign on my keyboard) on the way back.
It feels like spring has at last sprung.

Writing with those who shall read in mind...

2005-03-15T16:12:00.000Z

*I told Fiona that I was wearing a Fiona Fleece and she said 'awww'. *

I'm in Keyskills now and it's probably obvious that I'm not working as I'm doing this. Naughty naughty, but no, not really because I'm a good girl of course.
A scary man scared me today. Burrell and I were walking across the road near the coach station when he first caught my eye, looking at me. I thought because we (or I perhaps) were talking rather loudly about 'knowing people in college' and 'being in with it all' he was just interested and amused at our conversation, but as we walked he carried on looking at me. Just as we were turning the corner the width of the pavement forced us to come close together, to the point where we were basically walking side by side, and he kept on staring at me, like he knew me and wanted me to say hi to him. Now, I don't think this can be attributed to my paranoia, as Burrell saw it too. It may be also useful to add that the guy had a camera round his neck and later on disappeared into a lavish looking hotel lobby, after taking what appeared to be a photograph of me waiting to cross the road. It all was very bizarre, although if he had actually found his balls and spoke to me we could have been now discussing contractual details of the movie I would be about to star in. I told Fiona about this and she took great delight in telling me how terrible she thinks it would be if I were a pornstar. Hm, she's only saying that because I would inevitably have to take time of her class to film. Sour grapes pah.

Dear oh dear

2005-03-14T15:28:00.000Z

I'm in the library typing this at the computer (well yea I'm not typing it in a book am I?) whilst watching a guy in front of me and feeling perplexed.
I'm feeling perplexed because I needed some scissors a second ago to cut my photos so I could get them stamped. When I asked for them the lady said "have you got your student card?" I showed it her as it hung blantenly around my neck and waited. She then asked "are you using them in here?" so I told her yes. All seemed a little funny but she then said "are you using these to cut something?" my mouth hung kind of open for a milisecond then I mouthed (I was too confused to speak) 'yes'. I mean, what else would I be using scissors for but to cut something? Even if I were going to murder someone with them by hacking their chest open and piercing their lungs I would still technically be cutting something. Dear oh dear some people.

Why do I feel like I'm waiting for something?

2005-03-14T01:44:00.000Z

I'm glad things have got better with Burrell again. We seem to have such a weird relationship, like he drives me round the twist when he's with me and yet I can't do without him. That's how real friends are, that's how I used to be with Sarah - we could row and argue like hell at morning break and be walking home laughing and joking by the end of the day. And I guess that's where true friendship lies, in that realm of knowing that you can coexist despite your differences of opinion and that if anything it will only make you love and respect each other ten times more.
Talking of Burrell, I do hope he will make it into English tomorrow or Fiona will go spare, and I will be left with no option but to give her his mobile number so she can phone him there and then. I've already been through all this with him anyway, which perhaps wasn't such a smart idea as he will probably switch off his phone, but oh well. I dare say she's very good at leaving narked answerphone messages.
I've just been watching 'Sex - The Annabel Chong Story' (despite Steve's warnings of it being "the biggest waste of 90 minutes in all your life") and thought it was very sad. Depressing even, one of those things that makes you look at your own life in a different light. I can see why Steve may not have liked it - you do have to have quite a naturally self-analytical personality to appreciate that sort of viewing - but to call it a waste seems a bit harsh to me. No doubt he'll start going on about it tomorrow and I will have to think of something a little more intellectual to say in response to his criticisms as 'but I saw her sex face on terrestrial television'. >.<

This is stupid.

2005-03-11T22:36:00.000Z

I am currently wearing Burrell's watch. I have taken quite a shine to it infact.
Which leads me on to say Burrell and I have settled previous 'issues'. He is here now sniggering at what I'm typing. She just put a whole mini role in her mouth and is now sliding it in and out which looks very sexual (burrell) Janet: (Please use correct punctuation in your sentences. Burrell is a proper noun and therefore has a capital 'B' at the start.) (Burrell) sorry. You can't end and begin two separate sentences with parenthesis. That's why you get the a* and I get almost kiked off course. Kicked has a 'c' before the 'k'. I thank you for the mini egg earlyer very delishous. I give up trying to teach you how to spell... SEE ME AFTER CLASS! Yes miss sorry miss. I am now making a formal opology for any lies and miss truths I have said prior to this blog and for my spelling.

Hmmm.

I must stop smoking.

2005-03-10T16:07:00.000Z

I really must stop smoking. Unlike most people, I am a 'happy smoker', meaning that I tend to chain smoke when I'm happy in contrast to those who smoke to relieve symptoms of depression or the blues.
This of course could all be turned around and suggested that the reason for my happiness is my chian smoking, in which case I'm not an unusual case at all. It's hard to determine what occurs first.

Problems with bumleg deffinitions and ongoing issues with striking

2005-03-08T10:52:00.000Z

Apparently there are another two strikes next week. One on Tuesday and one on Wednesday. Shame I'm not here on Wednesdays, but I'll be here for the Tuesday one no doubt. Oh it's all happening suddenly.
We have Angela this afternoon for english and we also have a test. Despite the usual protests, I don't mind having an exam question to do as I feel sometimes that what the group needs as a whole is something important to get on with. Touch wood that there will be no trivial arguments over items of clothing this week, or disturbances involving music.
Not really much else to say so far today. Hope Shinya's in.

EDIT at 16:22 - Shinya is in and Shinya is adorable.

Ouuuuuch

2005-03-08T00:43:00.000Z

I've just pulled out my tooth. The tooth which has been annoying me for about ten years, gone. Instant relief dentistry.

Baked potatoes with mixed feelings

2005-03-07T13:54:00.000Z

I thought an hour or so ago that this was the worse day I'd had for a while. Miraculously, all has righted itself somehow and now I feel elated. It's great when I make a decision and realise that it was the right one, after all nine out of ten decisions we make are supposedly the wrong ones.
Perhaps I should stop being so cautious and just go with my feelings because when situations arise such as the one today it seems as if my own inhibitions hold me back too much and prevent me progressing further, and I've just noticed how self-analytical I have become recently. Too many late nights and far too much alcohol methinks.
Yes, I'm in the library as usual, suffering from acute boredom and hankering after the chocolate brownie feeling lonely in my bag. If only things had have gone differently then, maybe things would be different now. But, then again, if now hadn't have occurred, then who knows where I would be today? Have a think about it.

Everyone must wear green on Thursdays

2005-03-04T15:37:00.000Z

Today has been sort of exciting, but not as exciting as it could have been.

EDIT: Today has been the BEST day of the week. You see, earlier on, I hadn't had something sort of proved to me like I have now. I'm so glad I wasted that time waiting for Burrell. A minute earlier and it wouldn't have happened, so in a way I have Burrell to thank for messing me around in the first place. Funny how something good comes out of something bad, isn't it? Especially when I've been drinking and I start having these thoughts like 'what if it was all meant to turn out like this on purpose?' and 'What if she really does fancy me?' It's at times like these when I tend to gaze at the sunset, reflecting on life's twists and turns and wondering how I felt at that particular moment in time last year. I know this is all starting to sound very Mills and Boon, but the point is that I have these moods every so often and I feel as if I could take on the world. Nothing can get me down, not even one of my best mates lying to me. I wish I had more moments like this.

Perhaps they were right

2005-03-01T02:51:00.000Z

"...after being told what I was last night I can't work out what to believe which makes it harder and much more likely that I will end up making a fool of myself. It really does now all lie upon today's outcomes... " taken from entry on Friday February 25th.
Yea. Exactly how it is once again. Anyone noticing a pattern emerging or am I being a little too presumptious here? Anyway, I don't really give a shit anymore. Why should I? It's his loss not mine and if he wants to continue treating me in this way then the only thing I can say is it was nice whilst it lasted. I'm not going to go crawling back after he's made the mistakes. He can go jump in the lake.
Moving on, I'm going to Tetsunoko's house on sunday. I can't wait to see her again and squash her little face between my hands and say "awwwwww" a million times over. I'll get her drunk too, and stoned if I can afford it. Then we will end up singing Bangkaew into the night, eating green curry and rice and eventually falling asleep in a sweaty, naked and drunken heap. I am seriously looking forward to this...

Gay Bar Part 1

2005-02-27T23:38:00.000Z

I sent a lengthly email to Burrell last night, putting my feelings on a platter for him. It just seems to be one of those situations that you have to be careful of because your own feelings end up making you blind to what's really going on. Or what you hope isn't going on.
I shouldn't be typing this now to be honest, I have lots of work to do for the lesson tomorrow (making handouts etc.) but there's just this thing inside me stopping me from being arsed at all. It will get done though, I promised Fi fi we would have it all done well for Monday and so it shall be.
Oh if only Shinya could see me now, if only Shinya would phone me now, or even text me. I miss my Shin-Chan and want her here.
I had pizza at Kyo's house today and saw baby Samsuke ^.^ Naughty Tetsu phoned me and told me about how she had been torturing crabs. Bad, bad sadistic Tetsunoko! Tetsunoko needs a spanking! *Ahem*

The Wonder Stuff

2005-02-26T01:47:00.000Z

Yes. Let's all get it out of our systems before I continue. I missed the train this evening because I was in an unnecessarily long and tiresome Starbuck's queue, listening to over-paid thirty somethings discuss interior design and 'skinny hazelnut latte' in their vexatious mock Essex accents. Seemingly, going for a coffee is no longer what it used to be. Without the well payed job, big car (which they cannot even drive let alone park), and vocabulary consisting of the latest trendy-London buzz words and condescending euphemisms for anyone with an annual salary of under £30,000, it appears that you are frowned upon entering such an establishment without some sort of excuse. And no, wanting your hourly caffeine fix does not count. So just what must you do to be welcomed into the realm of elite coffee-sipping culture? Well, the harsh reality is that if you aren't already on your way you never will be, and if you don't currently refer to your group of mates as a 'circle of friends', call pubs 'bars' or drive a BMW, you probably aren't already on your way either. And let's face it, who would want to be?
Having missed the 17:24 train, I had to wait for the 17:58 service to then discover that this wasn't even my train. It was going to Wales of all places. Another fifteen minute wait. Finally the 18:10 service rolled into the station much to the relief of everyone freezing their collective butt off on the platform. I then made the mistake of thinking it was all over before I ended up having an argument with an ignorant bitch in possession of a lot of space-consuming luggage.
Along with a line of maybe four or five more passengers, I got onto the train and saw that there were no free seats in the carriage . So, I thought (not unreasonably it has to be said) 'Oh I'll walk into the next carriage to find a seat where I can see free seats with my own eyes'. However, Mrs Bags in front had other ideas. She decided that she rather liked where she was stood right in the centre of the gangway and didn't feel like moving. For the first eight or so seconds I thought she was gathering her bags together and intended to walk into the carriage I wanted to walk into. But no, she was there for good. I was also aware of the fact that people were starting to board at the other end of the train where the free seats were and that if I didn't get a move on the free seats would be no more. Feeling a little peeved, I turned round so I could jump off and get on further along. No such luck with that move either, as the glorious British people had done it again - made a damn queue. All of them, stood behind me like sheep, not really giving a rat's arse that they would have to stand all the way to Chester (unless they were getting off at Stockport and in which case should have done us all a favour and got on the not-so-packed Crewe train.)
At this point I kind of lost it. "Oh, so we've all decided to stop, have we?" Mrs Bags half turned her head towards the noise of my outburst. I began to force myself back through the folly of a queue. To my surprise, a woman's voice protested "I get on this train twice, sometimes three times a week and it's always this busy!" Bag Lady had found her tongue. I couldn't stop myself. "Well, I get on this train every morning, and every evening without fail. Yes, it is usually this packed, but fortunately we don't tend to get saddled with ignorant people like you." By the time I had finished I was back through the sheep pack and almost at the door, when, to my absolute horror, the whistle sounded and the train revved up to leave the station. And so, there I stood in a packed gangway feeling vexed, not only at the state of the British transport system but also with the sheer stupidity on display from apparently 'professional' members of society. Just what is this country coming to?

Hasty Departure

2005-02-25T09:45:00.000Z

Perhaps yesterday's little stress episode was slightly misplaced. I suppose only today will tell. People are irritating me in the library, and I'm trying my hardest not to be all annoyed again. Someone has been singing though. I mean singing, in a library.
It's like exhibitionist theory number one next to me at the moment --> and I'm not sure how long I can stand it.
Anyway, the whole calamity yesterday. I am still very angry over it all, and after being told what I was last night I can't work out what to believe which makes it harder and much more likely that I will end up making a fool of myself. It really does now all lie upon today's outcomes (and what I read in the inbox I am about to look in.) Hmmm.

Can't believe he's trying to pull this fucking stunt on me

2005-02-24T14:11:00.000Z

It's kind of hard when you discover the person you thought you could rely on the most has been lying to you bare faced for the past few weeks. The one person who has this opinion of themselves as being the kindest guy around, and for a short time, you believed them. When I think about it it all adds up, the instigated rows, the avoidance. Just can't get my head around the deceipt and how fucking stupid I have been.
I seriously don't know where to start on this one.

It's hard to really understand where all this is gonna end...

2005-02-22T20:47:00.000Z

I've not liked today very much. Things keep happening as if they are doing it just to annoy me. Obviously they aren't, but realistically, if you are the only one who uses your TV remote and the TV remote mysteriously disappears, who else can it be doing it to annoy, only you? This aside, the train was relatively impressive this morning i.e it arrived less than twenty minutes off schedule and actually arrived earlier than expected at the station. However, it let itself down again this evening by adding an extra ten minutes to its journey time and turning up at an irritatingly late hour - 5:24pm.
Also to add to the day's list of complaints I left an important floppy disk in the library and never got it back. So much for the 'lost/returned floppies' box, but I guess that is only as reliable as the people finding the disks in the first place.

Stress relief syndrome - Big Brother comes to town

2005-02-21T23:12:00.000Z

Shinya told me today that she queued up for four hours in the freezing cold wearing only a thin coat, with a hangover, for the Big Brother auditions! Aww bless!

Oh it's all in chaos!

2005-02-21T11:55:00.000Z

Well, no it isn't, not really. Kyo has just left to look after her baby brother at home, I have a matter of seconds to run to a food outlet and buy something to eat and Burrell is nowhere to be found. Apart from that, all is calm and serene and settled. My arm is itching like I have scabies. People think they are doing things properly and I have sweaty palms. I can't help but wonder where it will all fall into place - after all it has to.
I tried to burn a mint munchy earlier using a lighter. Not the best of ideas, as I ended up melting hot chocolate onto my skin...Oh here we go. I'm not really making much sense today, I don't feel in the most coherent of moods it has to be said. Sucking my thumb and typing with one finger has its advantages. Grr and Burrell is still not in the library. He told me he would be here 'watching the second bit of Clockwork Orange' but he is not, and so I am annoyed. The library noise volume has increased by a notch into a frenzied mumble of hunger and confusion. Dinner is once again funny, just like it was those many moons ago when monday was the day for SS diary and fights in the geography room.
Where the fuck is Burrell? This is getting serious and time is ticking away. So much for him having nothing to do this lesson.
Anyway, like I was saying, monday was the best day of the week because we had no maths.
(deciding that I will try to to look cutely at the screen when she walks past) SS was just a piss take, we did nothing but mess around making the computerised whiteboard squeak,
(she puts on her coat) or make jokes about sex whilst in the earshot of Miss Lloyd, knowing full well that she coudln't do anything because she wasn't supposed to be listening to us. (She walks past me) Still no Burrell. I'm running out of patience fast, I have places to go.

Well she didn't deny it

2005-02-18T15:53:00.000Z

Now I have calmed down from last night's fun and games things seem a lot clearer. That row probably did me the world of good, it has helped me to get my head around the way things are at the moment.
Anyway, today has been a usual Friday with the usual Friday goings on. I've not seen Burrell all day so far, I waited for him with Kyo outside but he never materialized so we decided to cut our losses and make our way to the foodcourt without him. Good thing we did actually, as we only just managed to get into our last lesson on time.
The library is quiet today and I am in a thoughtful mood. Arguments make me thoughtful, not least because I mull it over for hours afterwards thinking about what I could have said, but also because I find arguments useful for building self-awareness and opinions. Burrell really did piss me off last night though, to the point where I began not to enjoy the debate through sheer frustration. My main objection to his ideas is the fact that he seems to think he is 'Dr Love' simply because he has been out with one girl who, by the sounds of what he tells me, treated him like some sort of circus gimp. He believes he has enough sexual experience to go preaching to others about why they are 'abnormal' in his world of sexual idealisms. Not being purposefully insulting here, but the main point seems to be that if either of us is sexually 'abnormal' then the term would definitely apply to him more than me. Further more, he seems to forget that the girl he is using to compare with everyone else was clearly emotionally - and perhaps mentally - unstable. Therefore, him generalizing with the rest of the female population just off what he has been through with a neurotic nymphomaniac is very unfair.
Besides all this, I'm feeling generally okay. Oh look, Burrell is sat in the library watching television. I wonder if he felt his ears burning...Or whatever you are meant to feel burning when someone is typing about you. I think the library staff are about to throw me out. They are walking around to everyone telling them to shut down the computers. 4pm does seem early to close, but then again it is Friday.

So I sat here, all fucked off, imaginin' what they were doin' behind my back...

2005-02-18T01:29:00.000Z

I'm too stressed tonight to write much. *I apologise now to anyone who got ranted at when they didn't desreve it.* I'm just really fucked off with a situation at the moment, people not helping themselves, people pissing about etc. If you hate someone, you hate them. And, if you don't you don't. Why tell people one when you feel the other? Grrr.
Anyway, I'm off to bed now to get some much needed sleep so I can wake up early enough to get an early enough train to get me into college early enough...logical?
I don't care I WANT A FUCKING FAG.

Bread Dough and Cute perverts...life will never cease to excite

2005-02-14T15:41:00.000Z

There is something in the air today, a sort of strange drug turning people into the more extreme side of themselves. Almost as if everyone has turned hypersensitive to things which normally may only cause a small amount of stress or amusement. Of course, this all could be to do with my own perception of events and taking into account the fact that I'm on strong drugs for various medical complaints, I wouldn't be too suprised if it was just me. But if it isn't, it's either a turn in the seasons or weed in the ventilation system. I'm wishing it to be the latter of the two ^__^.
As for the pervert thing, well, that's a whole new kettle of fish. Spending more time with guys in a non-romantic way has helped me see when people really are perving at me. Weirdly enough, there are more than I'd have thought originally. Like lunch today for example, I was trying to make my own perving on a cute Chinese girl seem like innocent glances, (which apparently I did rather well muhaha) and as I got up to leave, I walked out of the little collection of tables where we were sat (the cute girl was sat on the next table) and suddenly decided I wanted a last look. Making it appear that I had forgotten something, I walked back past her and she turned to look at me. Now, I didn't see her myself, but according to Burrell, she was either full-on perving or at least showing interest. Maybe it was the way my coat flapped like a cape as I strode towards the door. Or maybe not.
Ah well, It's cheered me up for today.
The library smells of bread dough. Shifty if you ask me...

Sobering Moment

2005-02-10T05:07:00.000Z

It's rather hard to define whereabouts yesterday ended and today begun. I came off the computer at around 3:00, watched a dodgy Revise Wise TV show designed for key stage 2 maths tests thinking "shit I can't do this stuff", went to bed under the influence of alcohol at around 4:40 (ish), and woke up to a distraught friend phoning me at 8:15am. Oh well, all jolly, all good.I went with Burrell to this weird old farm house this afternoon. It reminded me of something but I can't get my head around what it is. The farmhouse itself is just like any old derelict house, full of rubble and urban myths invented by the young and impressionable. The location though, is something very different. Very special.I tried to catch it on my phone camera, but however good technology is these days, it takes an awful lot of luck to capture that amount of emotion even with the best cameras money can buy. The landscape appeared bleak and unforgiving, the rough and tufted grass swept aside by biting winds and the skeletal trees gazing wistfully into grey skies above. I saw it as a place which looked equally as beautiful come winter or summer, but today especially it held something rare. A sobering moment. Perhaps, I wondered, all the stories invented by generation upon generation about the place were simply different ways of interpreting such grace of nature.

Shameless Self-Advertising

2005-01-31T23:28:00.000Z

Go buy my book. It's very good.
"When I came to I could taste dried blood on my lips. The room was sickeningly warm and bright and the clothes on my body were damp with perspiration. I began stripping myself, watching each bit of my naked body emerge from beneath the material. Finally, I stood in front of the mirror that I had strategically angled so the photograph of my sister was visible and haloed by the morning sun."
An excerpt from my not-yet-published book, which does not yet have a title.